Thursday, September 3, 2009

Black Wasp vs. White Jew ( or how I started this lovely September day hiding in the bathroom )

I'm sitting this morning, at my computer, drinking my usual godawful muck that is supposed to be coffee, when suddenly I start to wonder where my big guy ( my Ridgeback ) Archer is. I'd let him and Justice out for their mid-morning pee, and usually ol' reliable Archer comes right back in. ( Being old and crotchety, he's not one to linger in the yard for long any more. ) But it's been at least 10 minutes and there's no sign of Archer. I yell out the door, "Archer? Archer? Arrrrrrrrcher!!!!" But there's no response, and he's nowhere to be seen. So immediately I think, what if the gardeners left the gate open??? I start to panic, and run out into the yard, calling him. "ARRRRCHER!!!!" No answer. No Archer. Whew, I think, at least the gates are closed. But where the *@#$ is he? I look all over and finally(!) I find him, hidden behind the bushes next to the house, totally ignoring all my frantic calls. Stupid dog. Sigh. But thank god he's okay. Relieved, I walk back to the kitchen and notice that, in my panic, I'd left the door wide open. Crap. Now I'm going to have doodie flies ( you know, the kind that are fascinated with poop, the disgusting things ) flying around my kitchen. Yuck. I hate those things.

Ok. So I let the dogs in and go back to my pc and my coffee... and try to breathe and get over my ever-increasing fear of losing my old boy. Breathe Marlene. Everything's okay. Archer is fine. Breeeeeathe. Ahhhh.

( Click! )

What was that? ( Silence ) Nothing. Okay, hmmm, let's check my email. "You've got mail". Wonderful. Let's see what gem my mother-in-law has left in my mailbox today....

( Click! )

There's that sound again. What the @#$% is that??? CLICK! Huh? I start looking around, but I don't see anything. Is it the faucet dripping on something in the sink? Nope. ( Silence ) Okaaaay. Maybe it's just my nerves and I'm getting jumpy over nothing.

CLICK!!!

And then, out of the corner of my eye I see it.... this huuuuuuuuge, black, waspy, hornet-y looking thing. And I'm talking HUGE. Wasp-a-saurus. Wasp-zilla. Seriously folks. This hideosity looked like something out of a 50's horror movie. It easily had a 5 inch wingspan. And ewwww, it had these creepy, ( brrrrr ) , spiky, freaky, long black legs dangling down from it's disgusting segmented body.... and the clicking was it banging it's grotesque black head up against the glass door across from me. But now, just as my luck would have it, it had suddenly decided to give that up and fly directly at my head. Needless to say, I bolted immediately from the room and ran for the nearest cover, which is the downstairs bathroom. Whew. Safe! Okay, now what? I'm stuck in the bathroom while that Stephen King-ian flying gargoyle is zig- zagging all over my kitchen, on that bizarro flight path that only a trapped insect makes. You know. Banging into the ceiling. Low on the floor. Swoop! Sudden right. Swoop! Sudden left. Zip! Up at the ceiling again. You know what I mean. Nooooo logic at all and worse yet..... totally unpredictable.

And now I'm stuck in the bathroom. Shit.

Think Marlene. Hmmm. Maybe if I run back into the kitchen quickly, I can grab my cell phone, run back in here and send out an SOS. And then, worst case scenario, if I'm trapped in here till help comes, at least I'll be able to amuse myself by playing with my new iPhone for a while....

OMG! What am I thinking? My boys are out there and I need to get them to a safe place! Jeez.

Okay, Marlene. Think. First you need to arm yourself.... So I cover my head with the black guest towel, roll up an old New York Magazine, and slowly open the door. No sign of him. Good. The coast is clear.

Run!!!!

So I make a mad dash for the kitchen, towel-headress flappin', pink UGG slippers clompin'... through the entry hall, through the dining room, into the kitchen and make a quick grab for the phone. Silence. Where is it? Jeez. I just know it's waiting for me and is gonna dive bomb me at any second. But I've got to open the kitchen door, cuz then maybe it'll fly out. Okay quick. Throw the chair out of the way and swing that sucker open. Done. Oh Jesssssssus! There he is ..... and oh crap. He's spotted me! ( And I swear, I can almost hear his vicious little black maw laughing at me... taunting me. Bwahahaha! Foolish earthling. Now I'll get you!!!! )

So now he's coming right at me and I scream ( and btw, what a pathetic and sadly comical sound that was. I had no idea that when frightened like that, I would make a sound like something from the Three Stooges, sigh )... and I bolt for the hall, with that fiendish mutant chasing me. But this time I realise I can take cover in the den, because it has glass doors that I can close behind me!

So I quickly get in there and slam the door. Whew! Safe again.

But I forgot about the dogs and oh Jeez, here comes my shadow, Justice, following me, as always. I open the door, ( Hurry! ) and quickly usher him in, all the time watching that zig-zagging monster. And oh god. Now there's Archer. Except unlike Justice, he's taking his dear sweet time, lumbering at his usual snail's pace. Lumber. Lumber. Lumber. Stop. Strrrrrrrrrrrretch. Lumber. Lumber. Lumber. Oh come on Archer. Move it!!!! And oh noooo. It's zipping all around his stupid slow-poke head.

Oh god. Please god. Don't let it bite him. Don't make me have to go out there and confront that Mofo dragon-thing. Please. I promise. I'll never leave the kitchen door open ever again. Pleeeeeease!!!!

ARCHER MOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!

Well god must've heard my prayers because I managed to get the old man in the den, too. But that thing is flying all around the entry hall now. And it's all over the place. Back towards the dining room, swoop, change direction, back towards me and the glass door, smacking his evil fiendish head on it.

Goddamnit. Why the @#$% aren't you going back to the kitchen???? CLICK! CLICK!

Anyway, now that me and my boys are at least safe, I can send out my distress call. I frantically start texting. Paige? Where are you? Are you nearby? Is Keith with you??? ( Because, duh, she would be no help at all, but Keith, well, Keith is a guy and you need men for this crap, lol. )

Nope. She's in NYC. I'm on my own. Sigh.

And the dogs are looking at me like I've lost my marbles. Wazzzzzup Ma? Why are we in the den with the doors closed? We're never in the den in the morning. Don't you see it's light out? Should we lie down? What's the plan here?

CLICK!!!!

CLICK!!!!

God that thing's ugly.

I walk up to the glass for a closer look. ( I can be more scientific now. Now that I'm safely behind glass, that is, lol. ) It's body has got to be at least 3 inches long, not to mention those creepy dangly black legs. ( Brrr. )

Ooh. I can use my iPhone and take a picture of it! So I press the camera app, get close, try to focus, and huh? What's this? It's flying away, the spiteful thing! Come back here! I need evidence!

But damnit, that's precisely when the sucker decides it's had enough fun for the morning and promptly does an about-face. Sigh.

So I wait for a while, to see if it will return, and when it doesn't, I slowly open the door and head out, crouching with my head practically at my knees, darting behind the staircase, hiding behind the dining room door, flat up against the wall where the dining room meets the kitchen, all the time still wearing the black terry-cloth guest towel draped over my head, like some deranged Jewish kitchen ninja.

But he's nowhere to be found. Is he gone? Is it too soon to close the backdoor? Oh god. What if he didn't go out and now he's upstairs trying on clothes and stuff....Or worse, hiding in the dark upper corner of the shower, rubbing his clicky little black hands together and gleefully waiting to ambush me just when I'm all naked, and fleshy pink and vulnerable?

So that's where I'm at. Jumping at the teeny tiniest of sounds and writing this to take my mind off all the horrific scenarios my mind is conjuring up. And I have to say, now that I've written all this down, I feel a bit better, too. Plus, now it's 5 o'clock and I haven't seen him since....

Then again, I haven't showered yet either, lol.

Pray for me. ;-)

- Marlene :-D

PS... If you care to see what today's nightmare looked like, watch this. Except trust me, mine was BIGGER. Now just try to imagine what you'd do if this horror show was coming after you!

5 comments:

egmont said...

Forgive me but I laughed so hard because I could visualize you running from room to room and trying to out smart the wasp. The writing also was real smart and I enjoyed everything.
Thank you for sharing.

Doug said...

Ha!!! I just wanna hear that scream you made.
zzub zzub

Marlene P said...

LOL Thanks guys. And Doug, if you really want to hear, it was something like the ridiculous sound Curly makes at 0:21 on this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIewdGW9NEM&feature=related
Not exactly a sound I ever expected to come out of my mouth, that's for sure, lol.

Anonymous said...

Hasty....

Marlene P said...

Huh? Err, okay, lol. :-D