Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Nose Encounters ( of the nasty kind )

You know how sometimes you do something totally totally totally brainless? Like your brain just suddenly stops functioning and switches onto auto-pilot? And then, ( and it's always a second too late ), it kicks back on and it's, #&%@!!! ( For instance, picking up the burning hot frying pan you've just used, but without a mitt...and yeowww!!! ) Well, that's pretty much what happened to me the other day. I did something so moronic I'm almost too embarrassed to admit it.

We were out of pony biscuits, ( I have 3 ridgebacks that are so big, I affectionately call them my ponies ), and I was looking for something delectable in the fridge to give the hungry beggars. So, did I give them cheese? Nope. Did I give them leftover chicken? Noooo. That wasn't 'special' enough. Sigh. No, Brain Stem here, suddenly remembered seeing a box of defrosted Trader Joe's blueberry waffles in the bottom bin. So I went for those. And me, part bloodhound that I am, ( I can probably tell what cologne your daddy wore, on the night you were conceived, lol ), guess what I did? I opened the stupid box, held it up to my face and took a nice, big sniff. At the same time, just as I was sniffin' in reeeeal good, I also got an eyeful of it's lovely contents. ( By now you've probably guessed what kind of horror show was inside. But you'd be off. Way off. ) Because I kid you not. Idiot moi got a giant smelly snootful of the crustiest, creepiest, skin-crawliest blue and white mold, I have ever seen. Ever. I'm tellin ya. It was that bad. Let's put it this way. There was nothing any longer even remoooooooootely resembling a blueberry waffle in there. Except the blue part, that is. I swear. This was a whole new life form...Moldus Wafflus Fridgidensis...

Actually, now that I think of it, I'm surprised I didn't see a bunch of wee eyes in there, all blinking up at me...or perhaps even some captive cherry tomatoes ...


And the smell. Omigod. I can still taste it. Seriously. Because that powdery putridity went right up the ol' schnozzola and directly to the back of my throat. And ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Bee-yond horrible. I'd say it fell somewhere between ammonia mixed with bleach...and rotting meat... brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh and it had texture, too. Think about that one. When was the last time you sniffed something that your tongue could actually feel?

Yeah. That's about the time I started gagging and retching uncontrollably. That was special, too. Wonderful thing, retching.

And that's when my helpful, ever-loving hubby says, "What's wrong with you??? Why the hell did you sniff it???!!!!!".

Gee, I dunno, Wayne. Because I'm a walking brain stem? Because I want to be on the cover of the National Enquirer?

Merrick Woman Sniffs Mystery Mold And Grows 10 Foot Tentacle... Out Of Her Nose!!!! ( see shocking pix... p.6 )

Sniff......................ow :^(

Soooooo here I am today...feeling bloody awful. My face hurts, my front teeth ache and my chest feels like Mount Vesuvius is in there, just about to erupt.

Can't wait to see what other wonderful things this has in store for me.

Oh well. On the bright side, if I suddenly grow another face, at least that one will be younger.

- Moldilocks ;^)

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